Couch Potato: Day 1
It’s 8:52AM. I actually slept until about 8:00AM this morning, since I can’t do my normal workout which, on any given day, can take between an hour and ninety minutes if I add weights to cardio. And I walked Jim to his breakfast meeting three blocks away just to move around a little. That about sums up my mental state so far.
I had the PRP (Platelet-Rich Plasma) injection in my leg yesterday afternoon. I actually have high hopes for its success – the doctor was clearly expert at the procedure and knowledgeable about the research, and he gives it a 70% chance of working to cure my hamstring tendinopathy. Of course I came in with a list of questions – every one of them about when I could add activity. And he was understanding; when I told him I had run 4.5 miles that morning as my last hurrah for two weeks, he just smiled under his mask and said, “Of course you did.” But he was also insistent: “Treat it like a sprained ankle for two weeks. You would rest a sprained ankle. You can walk a little but don’t overdo it –the whole idea is that you are letting your body heal from the sprain and PRP I just gave your hamstring. You probably will be sore in the next few days – let your body rest.”
I’m a little sore. But just a little. I almost wish the pain would get worse, so I would have a better excuse because my mind and heart are already at war.
My mind is telling me – you work out almost every day and you burn about the calories you eat in an afternoon snack – stop worrying about it. My mind is telling me – you love how you feel after exercising, but you have an excuse to sleep a little later, read, check things off your to do list you never can. My mind is telling me – even if you feel restless and/or gain weight, this is the best long-term way to be active. You will return to a high level of fitness and its concurrent calorie burn, so stop obsessing about it.
My heart can’t stop feeling angst around the fact that I cannot exercise for two weeks, and that I then still have another month or so of ramp up to normal levels of activity. My heart asks: should I use this time to moderate my wine habit which causes me to sleep less well and is a lot of calories? Do I need to stop eating fries altogether or maybe just have some on my birthday next Wednesday? Am I going to feel super lethargic?
I am sure it did not help that three people who love me and know me well have already asked if I saved my arm/erg machine from my leg surgery a year ago. I did not – it was truly an awful machine that offered none of the pleasure of exercise and almost none of the rewards, and I was glad to be rid of it. And I really don’t want to go there – there is truly a part of me that wants to use these two weeks to force myself to push past my obsession, to pull myself to a place where I can have more balance about my eating and weight. We all know if I worked out 4 (or even 5) times a week and was semi-active in general, I would be as healthy as I am now, maybe more so on a holistic level.
What I want to do is turn off my heart (not literally of course!), but I don’t know how. For now, all I can do is hope time will lessen my anxiety.
I cannot imagine this entry is all that interesting to anyone who reads my blog regularly. I write for myself, but I have a few dedicated readers now, and I must admit I write for you all too. I doubt I will post as “couch potato” every day for the next two weeks, but I give all leave to skip the entries where I do. I am going to use this forum to express my musings because I am hoping it will help me process them. And because Jim is going to go nuts for the next two weeks if I don’t figure out a way to do that without constantly voicing them to him…
Couch Potato: Day 1 written and edited. 9:34AM. Right now, it feels like it’s going to be a long two weeks.