Ridiculous, but Honest and Real
Why do I let insecurity win every time?
I consider myself well-read, well-informed, and a good conversationalist. I excelled in school and professionally in my early career. Post-kids, I taught at the college level, served on and led nonprofit Boards, started an organization to support female entrepreneurs and ran one start-up as an interim CEO. Nonetheless, I still so often allow myself to succumb to feelings of insecurity and inadequacy in the presence of someone truly confident in his/her own accomplishments.
I know this feeling is ridiculous, but it's also honest and real.
I never really know when the feeling will hit me. This week, I skimmed the Forbes list of 50 women over 50, and while I was mad at the magazine for only celebrating professional or political women, I also felt reminded once again of what I didn’t do as one. Or today, when we brunched with a woman who is a real expert in art, and afterwards, I worried my comments on the topic were simple or mundane. Sometimes I even feel this way when Jim and I are in situations where I am present as “spouse” – Jim is my biggest fan, but it somehow isn’t enough at those times, and instead of reminding myself of all that I have done with my life or just not caring that what I have accomplished isn’t as public, I feel like the wife in tow. Small.
As I write this, I am thinking about the fact that I want to post it, but I also don’t really want people who have subscribed to reach out with sympathetic messages or personal notes of reinforcement. I just want to be honest in this forum, and since I’m thinking about this today and feeling a need to work on moving past it, I’m just getting it off my chest. It's interesting but writing these feelings down and posting them actually does help - it's oddly actualizing and releases me to move on, at least for today.